Teenage witness to life

[RainDaughter]

Hello everyone, I am posting my works for you all to consume and then what you do afterwards is intirely your own mind. My writings are about things I have seen, felt, or discovered while living my life and trying to survive highschool, so please enjoy.



Color Man
A cup filled to the brim
Overflowing with acidic thoughts
Evil words persecuting
Sticks and stones breaking bones
Judgement by face
Hatred deepened into flesh
Unchangeable scorn
Gawking eyes
Glares to kill
Appalled by the life they breathe
Toxication to the lungs
A lesser mortal within the eyes
A burning fire inside
Raging to let loose
Bidding its time
Scorn sparkling in malicious eyes
Judged
Hated
Despised
Not being able to change what you were given
What you were born into
That causes so much pain and hate
The flesh on your scorned body
The color of skin

[RainDaughter]

Hey guys, this is a work i wrote after waking up from a dream so i hope you can make some sense of it.



Uncontrollable. Not willing to be stopped or unable to be stopped. Dramatics of emotions. High in the sky of flat on my face dug into the ground. A whirlwind of problems and unstable minds dying to break free from sanity. Abandoned by all humans, only your Protectress to guide you. Understandable? NEVER. Unable to be dealt with out of fear of doing wrong. High maintanced, unloved. Trying to succeed and shine but casting yourself into the shadows. To try harder, to be cast in deeper. Alone and sad. wanting just one mortal life to be with. Reached out to by someone not just ignored. Helped up not kicked down. All of this is my fault. My fault. mine. I push them away because i reach for them. its my fault. my fault. mine. my fault.my own entirely. fault is mine. my fault...... mine.

[RainDaughter]

I wrote this a long time ago, like two years but i thought it might be worth posting, who knows?




~ Dawn~

Escaping the truth
Dodging the questions
Ignoring the facts
Lead into lies
Blind without knowing
Suffocating with deciet
No trust
Pretending
Acting
Role playing who I am not
Fear
Persecution
Disowned by those you trusted
Helpless
So confused
A battle inside
Breaking apart your soul
Whats wrong
Right?
Striving to disguise
True self never let through
Angry harsh words
Condem you to fire
To an evil which you do not know
Preaching about soul
Burning in hell
Burning with no escape
Must keep it hidden
Must keep it safe
Covering up the trail
Lead into rath upon your mortal soul
Sunday after sunday
Suspicious lears and gestures
Pounding in the head
Spinning all around
Wanting protection from the dark truth
oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just to let the tears fall
Your chest heave up and down
Muffling sobs
Breaking down
How could I?
How can I?
Could I reveal the dark truth that suffocates me
With a great hand choking me
What would they do?
I would condem myself to show
To let the truth peek through
How can I tell them that I am different
Oh so different then they persieve that
Perfect smart little me
Is not a Christian?

[RainDaughter]

This was more of like a uncomprehendable blob of writing that I just recently edited and made tons of cuts to so it wouldnt be very long but it still is long, maybe you'll like it so here goes.


Untitled
A small pit in my stomach growing larger with each step nearer.
Nervousness carving a path through my body making me ache with desire.
Longing to touch, to feel the warm reasurring strong hands.
Hands that can fix anything, hands that can hold my dearest belonging in them and protect it or shatter it. My heart pulsing through my body, controlled by his sweet smell that marks him as my very own.
His smell of security underneath his colonge that only intensifies his feeling of belonging.
Of sweet aftershave, and the comfort of a warm slept in bed.
His shoulders able to bear my broard squared ones within his as I lay against him
while the hands that can fix anything fold protectively around me
promising to keep me safe...
and it all leads back to his hands.
From the first time I sharply inhaled his smell,
I actually saw him I sensed his natural eagerness to protect those he loved.
I gazed on his slightly tanned skin and the sparkle in his eye of being a slight embarassed to be caught in tights by a girl he didnt know....
with all good reason,
he was in a benefit for church and that was his costume....
and then to cautiously laugh with him
and stealing glances with a flutter in my stomach
i could not describ...
to lead him to his prize...
my best friend.
He was so affectionate with her...
as she flaunted and threw herself at him...
caring not a bit of how she looked.
He hesitated a bit,
he always had good sense
but not when matters of me approache dwith me.
He left her..
saying she wasnt what he needed...
i think he was afraid for his health
because she clinged on to him with every essence she had
and morally crushed herself when he backed away.
I loved him from the moment i heard him
slowly draw out his words to make his deep vioce magestically perfect for me...
I loved him all the more when he held me in his arms as I creid my life away...
barring my soul to him...
giving him my heart he tried so hard to protect...
which just wasnt possible...
he let me fall through those great strong hands that could fix anything...
letting my heart slide through his fingers
as it fell never endessly into a black hole to ice over.
I watched him walk away as I stabbed him in the back with utter hatred and pains that were killing my heart... my love for him.
I retrived my heart and took it back into my body as I surpressed infinite shivers of lonliness.
My heart hardened and iced.. I
became the untouchable.
Not able to respond to the warmth of anothers skin.. only knowing how to glare daggers as though everyone was my enemy...
complete utter sadness and overwhelming grief for losing the one I loved with my entire existance,
so in some way I set myself up
that harsh slap down back to earth
which proved to me that I have to suffer before I can be loved
but oh how i suffer from him...
And yet, I loved him...
with those hands that can fix anything..
good strong hands that work with tender love and care and maybe one day...
those strong protective hands will come back to me
and take back up my heart and return to protect me... forever and always so that i can say again...
I love you, Ryan.

[RainDaughter]

here is a lead off from a journal entry so its kinda hard to understand because it starts in the middle of it. hope you can make some sense of it.



Kissable Tears

Sorounded by emotions
Making your heart take flight
Against the cold harsh wild winds
Of rejection
Rejected by the one you called your own
Sharing loving moments to last an infinite lifetime
Pushed away by uneasyness
loved yet so hated by fate
given a chance
breathing amoung the stars
with the one life of love that pours from your heart
all taken away
by harsh words
taken down to the bottom of your soul
where you lay exposed
wounded from real pain
pain of giving and giving and giving
and then cast aside
worthless rag doll with no thought
never looking back at you
walking away
while bitter tears fall onto your open wound
burning away all desire to feel
burning into non existance
melting away to fade
hurt beyond words by words
seeing day after day the pain in his eyes as he walks by
No joy lying there in his unsparkling eyes
him looking more pained and hurt
His emotions playing at his face
His need to protect overbearing
I am in pain, his sweet one in pain
he cannot resist
and he admits defeat
proceding to grab me up into his arms
kissing my tears away
letting his words become unconfused
Just to say
"I love you Em, I was just so afraid"
and to know that its all right
as he protects, holds ,comforts
and heals my torn heart and soul
Kissing my pain away with soft love
kissing my tears away
and keeping safe
kissing and keeping me safe

[RainDaughter]

Hey, I am posting some of my old poems... hope you like it!
Not Ever

I never looked back that one day I walked away
I kept right on going, my head held high
I walked away from my friends without a glance back
My family never even had a second thought
While the kids here were banished to heaven
I chose a new kind of hell
A fiery inferno within
Concealing the screams of the prisoner who chains are too tight
While the world around seemed only to notice a girl
Bright and caring changed to a rebel
They fail to look past all that
To see my true form
A brutally beaten body and soul
Deep blood-red slashes on her arms and legs
A sting of red sticking out from the black and blue of bruises
Almost poetic
A rose with deadly thorns
Can't they see?
Or does this huge frame of life hide that fact?
Or the black clothes twisted into my skin and body conceal the area?
I 'll never know what it is
All I have ever known is my walk
The one I am going to take one day and never come back
Walking away from life, family, friends, and being in reality
I'll just keep on walking never looking back
Not once
Not ever

[RainDaughter]

Hey, this was a poem I wrote to try to understand it all in life....



Dark World
The damage cannot be undone
I am now forever doomed
To roam about the underworld

A place of fear and darkness
No light will ever be let through
Alone in a place of nightmares

I was not told were to go or run
I had no place to hide from the realities
That our world has shown me or from the conspiracies of man

I am exposed, unguarded and a perfect target
People shoot at their will
Spending all their ammunition in just one spot

Arrows in my heart
Piercing my soul, cutting me up,
No relief from the pain, no escape from the world I have created

I fall down with no one to catch me
I reach for a handhold and grab nothing
I am utterly alone and bare

No cloak to cover and hide me
No strong hands to hold and comfort me
No words to help me understand it all

Sheathed in evil, bleak cold penetrating eyes
Staring at me without mercy
The black judgmental eyes of the world

The innocence that covered my eyes has been torn off
Around me is destruction and corrupt people
The people I once called my own I no longer know

Liars, back stabbers, tempters, corrupters...
The list goes on and on... murders, theives, slaves of the prince of this world
I despise all of these people
With hatered in my heart for what they have done
Causing pain and hurt wherever they go,
But isn't that just like me to think I am never at fault

Who am I to judge?
I convince myself I have not done so bad...
My nagging thoughts tell me it is not so

I am no better
Somehow no worse
All people have the same amount of black upon our empty souls

I am lost and confused; feeling no hope
Only darkness and the feeling in the wrong
Stumbling in the dark with no one to steady me

I fall to my knees, my heart feeling dead too go on
Bones aching, wounds burning, soul on fire
What should i do? What can I do?

The worlds pain and anger set upon me
My shoulders holding the weight of the world
Why must i fall to this task~ just because i cared about these people

Helpless, no answers found
Curling into a tight ball to lock out the world
Rocking back and forth, I cry

I cry for the world, the people of darkness
I cry for myself, my soul so torn
But most of all, I cry for the Prince and the world he created for his people

The world of darkness

[RainDaughter]

This came out of my dream journal but i dont remember writing it. I just woke up and found my cheek on this page and my handwriting with this poem:

Dream

I dreamt a dream of death last night
Of a new begining, a eternity of calm wonder
Some believe a white bliss of clouds
Singing choirs and angels playing harps

I dreamt a dream of death last night
Of a doomed eternity in pain
Flames licking at your heels
Worst fears coming true for you to relive everyday

I dreamt a dream of peace last night
Unity between nations
Violence gone with people free to roam the streets unprotected
People filled with joy and everyone drawn together

I dreamt a dream of war last night
Guns shooting, bombs quaking at the edges of the earth
The stink of death trapped within the air
Nations against nation, people against people, brother against brother

I dreamt a dream of the past last night
One i try so hard to forget
Of fighting and divorce with new marriages budding
Intoxicated with drugs and pains of life

I dreamt a dream of the future last night
One so promising I can't behold
With love and new experiences
The thing i walk towards everyday

Day by day, step by step, dream by dream

[RainDaughter]

A lil poem i wrote to explain my memories... a lot of stuff is metaphorical.

I cried

I have cried myself to sleep the last seven years
Reliving the pain of the day

I have cried everytime i am alone
No one to talk to except myself

I have cried everytime I take a razor to my wrist
Playing slice and dice, not knowing what else to do

I have cried everytime i see two lovers
Kissing and sharing the love i never have

I have cried everytime i see the "one"
Him ignoring my feelings even when they are beaten into his head

I have cried evertime i was called a biatch
The hurt and crullness keeps my soul flaming

I have cried everytime i have to go home
Scared of the agonizing screams and the bloody abuse

I have cried these last seven years
While no listens, no one hears the wailing of pain ~ not even me

[RainDaughter]

Can you change the past
Look deep into it and with your mind change all the wrong
Change what you felt and what you became
Could you believe in a mircle to happen that would change you forever?
Making you the perfect person
Worshiped by all
But instead you live a life of being shunned
An outcast
Someone who is barely holding onto their last thread of hope
Feeling no way of escape
only pain bleeding from their hearts
Left alone in the world
Too tired to go on but to afraid to leave
Feeling so lonely that they don't even want to be with themselves
Bone- chilling sadness
Calm placicity of one knowing too much
Of a world so cruel where death is close on
No one understanding, just staring
They want to leave and never be found
To faint away and be in nothing
Wow, I just described me
And thats the scariest thing in the world

[RainDaughter]

This poem I wrote about a friend who cried with me, laughed with me, and was just always there for me.
Rain

I stood outside in the rain today
Letting the drops soothe over my body
Clear my head and relinquish my soul
Set my burning wounds out
Covered fire gone from my soul
To be at peace with everything washed awat
Soaked through and through
Slowly dripping crystals
The rain man danced around me all the while
Clearing out my eyes
No longer burning
Free of all the tears that held so much hate and hurt at the same time
I stood in the rain and let releif wash over me
Listening to the hum of steady drops of rain
Somehow whispering that its okay
Go ahead and cry
No one will see you in the rain

[RainDaughter]

Just a vented poem i wrote a while back.
Alone

No one to talk to
No one to hear my crying
My screams of agony
My pain of life
NO one to see me
Or help me into some light
All alone in a vast world
So lonley i dont know what to do
I dont even want to be by myself
For nothing can be done
I am alone and scared
Scars on my soul
No one to see my tears fall
No one at all
Just me
By myself
I am not even sure i am all there

[RainDaughter]

As morbid or unrealistic or crazy as you may think it, this is a poem about cutting. My friend tried to describ to me what she felt and i wrote a poem about it in the first person.



Broken
Crushes come and go
Jared proclamied he cared, so i promised
I was too difficult, hopless
No chances left
I picked up that smooth chilling death blade
Once again returning it to my wrist
Intake of swift uneasy jags of breath
Dragging across the pale peach smooth skin
Traces of faint white scars
Promises of a new
Deep red
Sicknening, twisted
Gagging, blood red
Whats to stop
I can't controll myself
I wont
Whats to take my pain away if i do
Silicing dicing
Making it unreal
All going away
Rain man sends acidic questions
Dripping burning away my mind
Help........... Someone................
I can't stop..........please.........
................................................. .
.........................ple.............
..............................................
....ase................................
................... i..... lost ..............
................ to................much.........
..........blood, this is sickening~
oh god! .....................
someone save me from myself.....
I broke my promise....................
............ I broke my life.

[RainDaughter]

this is another poem that i wrote through the freshmen year of highschool.

Friend
I pushed them all away
Not wanting to be touched
Afriad of their love
Wanting to run into their open arms
Shunning them instead
I wanted to talk to their listening ears
But I played mute instead
They wanted to help me
I just pretened I was great and nothing was ever wrong
Now my shortest poem ever lived
Is my last farewell
To the friends i pushed away
The love i never wanted to feel
I'm sorry

[RainDaughter]

Memories


Blurry images that fill a room
A warm summers afternoon
Sipping lemonade under the warm sun
Comforted by a smooth breeze
On the front porch of your Grandma's house
Breathing deeply in the sents of cookies and fresh rain air
Where you can play the afternoon away with no worries
Rays of warm sun beat down on your red nose as you scream madly with the girl next door
chasing and playing
no thoughts at all
With the breeze rufing your hair and the sun shines down on you
During the good ol days at ggrandma's front porch