Journal de Ragebox

[GlitterFaery™]

I can't wait till Ilearn to drive.

Well, I know how to and I have before but.. ya'know. legally.. oh and tested. ;D

[ollipeist]

I can drive!I drive around my town all the time cause there
is not much traffic and the police dont mind they just said
dont go out of town and you will be fine.

[ollipeist]

do you know whats weird?In my entire life i have never had
a headache or heartburn!And iam not kidding!am i missing
out on anything?

[GlitterFaery™]

^^^^^^
nope. ;D

[ollipeist]

ok then.

[GlitterFaery™]

um.. ok

[ollipeist]

Fear the clown rules!

[Ragebox]

Ollipeist: Regard yourself as lucky. The only thing you are missing out on is pain, which I'm sure we all could do without. Unfortunately, I know both - headaches especially - like the back of my hand, and I can't say I'm happy about that.

October 06, 2002 3:55PM
I had my first Behind-The-Wheel session yesterday afternoon from 3:15 to 6:05. It went well, judging on the little experience I have had in driving. I knocked over a few cones, but that was no surprise. I was actually very happy with myself when the session was over. I found that I could actually parallel park halfway-decently [thank God], and I wasn't all too shabby on anything else considering it was my first try...though I could really work on my turnabout. But I'm rambling. Overall, it was great fun. I was assigned to a Chevy Cavalier which I found was very easy to maneuver. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. A few people got trucks and one unlucky, very unlikely guy was assigned to a minivan. "Yeah, I've got my minivan. It's all good."

I'll be going back next weekend at the same time. We'll see how that turns out. On another note, our school's Homecoming Pep-Rally was this Friday. It was strange if not absolutely idiotic, but I found some points amusing. For example, I was given the opportunity to witness a male teacher dance around on the gymnasium floor decked out as Britney Spears - skirt, makeup, and all - lip-syncing to a Britney song. Great stuff, I'll tell you. He had the "sexy" walk down and everything. It was actually a very good impression...too good, if you get my drift :X. And the Seniors' attempts at humiliating the sophomores were not to be missed. Pathetically amusing at best. Boy, their "SOPHOMORES SUCK" and "BOW DOWN" signs sure showed us who's boss...and now my sarcasm has ended. I guess you can tell what my level of school spirit is. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who could really care less about this whole Homecoming event. I hate football and I could really care less about whether my school wins or not.

Again, I cannot wait for next weekend. I had a great experience on the driving range. To think that just last year I dreaded the day when I would take my place behind the wheel. How much we change.

Until later,
Rachel

[Ragebox]

October 27, 2002 4:30PM
Well, it's been a few weeks since I've been here. You can thank my screwed computer for that. For some reason, Proboards has started crashing my computer something awful, so I really haven't been visiting as often as I truly would like to. But just to let you know, things have been going well. I've finally gotten my permit and am hoping to start practice-driving on the road very soon. Backroads, mostly. It will be fun. I've finally gotten used to the idea of it.

On another note, Halloween is coming up soon and, yes, I am going this year. You're never too old for free candy. My friend has decided that I will be going as our own screwed-up version of Ronald McDonald. Haha, I know what you're thinking: what the hell? But we do things in a very mocking fashion. If we think it's indefinately retarded, we'll dress up as it. This makes for a number of inside jokes I really feel no need to get into. We were toying with the idea of painting a giant box and a cardboard hat and dressing me up as Cap'n Crunch popping out of a cereal box. Fun idea, but too difficult to set up. My friend Charlotte will be going as Medusa, her sister Lauren will be pimped-out as a rapper, and my own sister will be going as Ozzy Osbourne. So just imagine this: an over-happy 'meat clown', an annoying gangsta-dude [dawg], a mythological goddess, and a bumbling English rocker...all walking together down the street, smuggling m.n.m's and crunch bars from unsuspecting houses. We'll terrorize the children.

Take care,
- Rachel

[Ragebox]

November 29, 2002 9:00PM
So things are going well. I know I haven't written here in awhile, but nothing much really has been happening lately. But again on the subject of driving [insert reader's sighs], it's been going good. I went out on the road (and freeway) with my driving teacher just a few weeks ago and have already been driving across the Twin Cities. So, yes, it is pretty exciting.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and like every year it was spent with the family. We spent some time at my aunt's house, and for a few hours I got to hang out with Alex and Anthony (favorite cousins). The rest of the night was spent at my grandparents - just the six of us. Wow, this month sped by. Christmas is sneaking up on us pretty quickly now. I'll probably be writing again before that, but I just had to point out how quickly November passed us by. A lot more will be happening this next month, so I'm sure I'll be writing more by then.

It's nice to post again.
- Rachel

[Ragebox]

February 21, 2003 11:05PM
Wow...it's been a long time, long past due for an update. Let us see; what's been happing with me for the past three months? Eh. Things are going well. Things have changed. Life is becoming more interesting. I've been getting out more, which is always a good thing.

I'm due to see Charlotte tomorrow, and that is truly something to look forward to. I just spent over two hours on long-distance chatting away with her. Ranting, conversing, catching up again. The days bring so much and people change. You know, it's difficult living so far away from your best friend. I miss her and Lauren a great deal. Such wonderful people are hard to come by. Never take a good friend for granted.

I've noticed some things about this particular journal of mine: it just seems so impersonal - basic daily events and nothing more. I remember the days when I would write away in my own private log. So much more expression and emotion. I guess the Internet can be a bit intimidating for this sort of business. I'll work on being a little more interesting. I love to ponder over things and I love making attempts at unveiling my true identity. I miss that. It's so hard and by not quite trite - expression that is. I'm so unconfident. I've been working on that. I'm trying to get over my shyness towards others. It's getting old. I really do have so much to say, but unspoken fears tell me my opinion probably wouldn't matter anyway. I suppose I'm just paranoid. It's so hard to talk to others. That's why conversing with Charlotte is so satisfying for me - she is one of the easiest people talk to. I feel no anxiety. Again, good friends are hard to come by. Be thankful for yours.

End of preaching. How are you all?
- Rachel

[Ragebox]

March 05, 2003 - 1:35AM
I was watching Opera today, one show you would rarely find me tuning into. But today was a bit different. Social Anxiety Disorder was the subject of the day and I felt a pang of self-association. Granted, I wasn't much affected by the show itself, but the addressing of this rather personal issue got me to thinking.

I truly do believe I 'suffer' from this disorder. I quote this because I hate to use the phrase, but in a way I suppose it is true. My paranoid and anxious thoughts and worries affect every aspect of my day. I've known this for a while, but I've more recently come to terms with it and have begun addressed it as is - a disorder. Something wrong with the way I think. And it's becoming worse. I've noticed it lately - it's becoming more severe.

Constant questions form and dwell: Are people talking about me behind my back? Are my friends avoiding me? Do people find me annoying? Do I make others uneasy? Am I hated? What do others think about me? Do they think I'm a snob for not talking much? Do they know I'm shy or do they think I'm stuck up? What are they all noticing about me? ... Just who is picking me apart?

The answer is me. I've been picking myself apart - my personality, my speech, my behavior, all characteristics I possess. I overanalyze absolutely everything about myself. I try so hard not to dissatisfy, try so hard not to make a fool of myself and in doing so end up doing so doubly. I know all I want to do is to measure up to my maximum capabilities; those that I find impossible to reveal when I have the chance. I fumble through sentences, stumble through discussions, make numerous repetitions - like a temporary stutter. I just get so nervous. About nothing.

I've dealt with this problem since before I can remember. I don't know whether I'll ever be able to change or improve, but quite frankly I'm beginning to believe that my condition is beyond reversal.

This is my self-pity post of the year.
Coming to terms is a defeating task.

- Rachel

[Ragebox]

Dream Entry #1

March 11, 2003 11:21PM
First and foremost, this has to be the weirdest and the most screwed-up dream I have ever had in my entire life. It's dreams like these make me seriously question my sanity.

First for my character: I was disabled in my dream, I think. Something was wrong with my legs and I couldn't walk right. Must run in the family (you'll find out what this means later on). The entire dream was made in the format of the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas, meaning all the scenery was odd and additionally made of clay. My dream also happened to be a musical, meaning people actually sang songs in it. Keeping within TNBC theme, many of those songs resembled those found within the movie - only 'scarified'. Don't ask me to define that.

Staying within the vein of the Tim Burton films, Winona Rider also made her presence in my dream. I think she was some sort of psychotic sister or something. I don't know; her purpose and alias was a mystery. She was dressed in her Crucible wardrobe for the whole of the dream additionally, which was kind of strange. Marilyn Manson also made a large presense. But here comes the real horror of this little nightmare – every child's worst fantasy: Manson was my dad. What the hell?! Anyway, for some reason, Manson was also hugely disformed in the knees (here comes that explanation) and had huge nails and metal stakes sticking out of his legs. This caused him to walk with a hunch, his legs always be bent. It gave some sort of stalking stride to his character. You know. That one walk the all the evil guys do in the movies. The Universal Evil Dude Walk. Anyway, both Winona and Manson were psychopathic and evil family members in this particular dream. No question. Marilyn Manson played his part as the cliched "evil step-parent" role. Together they would torment and chase me around the house menacingly, many times singing songs in the process (because this is a "musical", remember?) and sometimes even flying(!). So we have a disabled, evil Marilyn Manson step-father and an 1692-version of Winona Rider, both insane members of my family, who often fly through the air singing songs in an attempt to unsettle me. All I can say is: What was I on? All in all, it actually was a really disturbing dream.

It seems almost everyone was in my dream tonight - all of my friends and all my immediate family members included. Charlotte made her appearance with a 2am telephone call telling me she was sick and sitting in a jacuzzi. At two in the morning. In the dead of a winter's night. Okay, whatever floats her boat. My real dad (forget about Marilyn for awhile) appeared for a short period to educate me on his bug collection (where this came from I have no clue). A few random people from school I just barely know kept calling to ask strange questions and make inane conversations. So on and so forth; just a load of unrelated and out-of-place events. Overall, everyone sounded a little insane. In fact, obtusely so. Most everyone disturbed me in some way; they were just so unlike themselves. Then again, this is my dream we're talking about. No surprises here.

Finally, by the end of my dream, my mind must have wandered to thoughts about the Pepfest along with the whole Good Charlotte concert deal (our school gets to attend a Good Charlotte concert if we donate enough cash. Don't worry, you won't see me there). Also, since I fell asleep with a Reel Big Fish song stuck in my head, the band themselves actually happened to make their way into my dream. This all together was a very strange way to end a pre-nightmare. So, just before waking up, I was ending my dream by sitting at the Pepfest watching Reel Big Fish hold a concert in the gym. The End.

Dear Lord, if only this was a film...It sure wouldn't work and I damn
well wouldn't see it, but flying Marilyn Mansons and all the trippy
occurences that I haven't bother to go into (because it isn't like
this is long enough already) would well be worth it.

Goodness, I'm strange.
- Rachel

[Ragebox]

March 25, 2003 3:08AM
Yes, I'm still awake. It's Spring Break afterall. I can sleep all day tomorrow. But nevermind all that. I've come bearing more important news - news so significant that all its meaning can be summed up in one short set of statements. I need to intricate paragraph to describe how much of an impact the following has on me:

Long distance was too high again this month.
I'm not allowed to call Charlotte anymore.
My only means of communication is no more.
Good bye, folks.

- Rachel

[Ragebox]

Well, I've started my own blog.
From now on, I'll be posting my entries here.

- Rachel .